“I am afraid of losing control over myself. Because any hope I had, anything which gave me trust to others is currently fading away. Instead I try what the world wants and try to cultivate myself to the forms the world wants me to be. If I can find my gap in this world, I will finally find my love or people will acknowledge me. Just fight! Adjust to the world and fight until you find your spot.” is a thought I catch myself with every now and then. I want to fight but I don’t want to control myself,! I want to be as I am! There is even a term they teach you when you have lost to the “others” and start controlling yourself because you see others as your enemy or you have a strong need to have the structures of the world define how you feel. All for the moment, that if you give in to the structures of the world, you will not feel at ease with yourself at last, because you have a disease. There are names for it, when you obsessively try to do something because the world compels you to take a certain way of life or do something just to fit in. A Disease. Which you can read in books! Heck, there are whole chapters in catalogs with names like DSM-V or ICD 10 about it. Very adequate categorizations of your misbehavior. Instead of finding a way to trust again, to live with each other or as you are, there is a process running to distrust in your natural behavior. If you let this distrust happen you will feel having a disease because you are acting unnatural. It makes me sick! I am talking of the “others” but I am not sure if there are actual “others” or just a manifestation of ourselves which we can give the guilt. We are so afraid of each other and ourselves, every and each one of us, that we have given birth to some hollow “others” just to justify our distrust and then to label our inability to live with each other with a disease. This has to stop! I don’t want to give in to these demands and stop trusting others or myself in this world. I see so much love in every single one of the persons I meet. Even in the ones which are mislead. It makes me want to cry all day just to cry in their stead. Because all persons have the innate ability to feel love and feel being loved. Instead something in the world drowns us in darkness. Tries to color our world in gray. I won’t give in to this darkness, because for me there is no fear in darkness. Black and White are no colors, because they are both carrying all the colors in themselfs. In both there is light. In white in it’s reflection and in black preserved in heat. We just need a way to bring the light out of it, so that black and white understand their true colors and understand that there is just a thin line between them. Darkness is not the same as black! Darkness is not the same as any other color! The same goes for Light. Light is not white nor any color. Darkness is the absence of light. Light is the bringer of color and with this our possibility to see or even more basic to exist. Darkness is just a word for the thing that taints our world, let everything seem monochrome until even black and white disappear and we are lost in total blindness. It is constantly Playing with our minds, so that we are not able to believe in each other. Whispering in our ears, so that we have to fight each other. Tempting us with “things”. Seducing us with promises, which are so far away and yet so glorious, that we forget that the small steps we take in life and with each other, are the only path to those glorious promises. Heaven and hell are within us. We have to decide whether we go together to hell or together to heaven. Not with forcing each other! Not with lies! Not by being judgmental! Because those are the paths of darkness and destruction. “Judge not, that you be not judged!” There is no entry alone, because we all came from one singularity. We all carry it’s essence and this essence is love and understanding, empathy and care. How can we expect to reach any of the glorious promises, without being able to have reached these essences of life. How can we expect to stand on the doorsteps of heaven, if we are not able to feel love for each other and even for the ones who are not like us. How can we dare to enter if we do not understand, that each life has it’s own story, it’s own development and that is why it is like it is? How can we trust our goodness if we don’t have compassion through empathy with all living beings? How can we believe, that someone would care about our salvation if we are not able to care about each other? I am not saying, that I have reached and embodied all these necessities. But I won’t stop trying to take my steps towards them. I know I am not alone and I hope and pray that more and more people will join us in our effort to make the world full of light and color.