Self Explanation of a trapped conscious




First of all:
Understand the responsibility of a world which is constantly evolving around our understandings and observings.

The last 13 years of my life I spend in a dilemma. 18 Years I was curious and utterly in awe to finally be an adult. The moment I reached my 18th birthday, up until now, I don’t feel it. The society tells me I am, I am allowed to do things, but I don’t have a grasp of what should have changed. Although I feel very good in still feeling like a child, some things in my living environment have changed which leads me to this text.
The wonders we had when we were young, the hopes, the dreams and every litte aspect which gave us our believe in the beauty of life still remain. But as I grow older I find myself just holding to surrogating material thngs, which are in no point the same things I was seeing in this world. My Peter Pans and the lost boys have changed and now are called Peter Schmidt and the office trolls. And I asked myself why? I refuse to accept a world in which fairy tales are subject to belittle someone. I refuse to believe that this world is just a collective of odds and meaningless encounters. Don’t get me wrong I have met a lot of precious poeple and I still see lights in this world. But I asked myself how did my inspiration and admiration of going out into the world have become more and more introverted and I see myself more and more tired after encountering others or just talking with others. My solution is to cut myself off of every aspect of every day life which keeps me in a routine. Still don’t get me wrong I don’t have anything against routine in particular but I refuse to devolve into a feelingless cold being. I love the internet but it has too much potential for surrogating for things we actually would like to pursue in our real life. We don’t go to cinemas to watch a movie we go there to have a blast in the newest technological achievements only few movies can offer. Every other movie we watch on the internet. We don’t open post, they appear on some virtual wall which is in some cases inorchestrated individualy evaluated on some third person information a company has on you.
I feel alone, because everywhere I look I have the feeling of looking into a mirror. This feeling comes from years of individualized advertisment and body uninvolved connections I have made over the internet. I am so used to expose myself to the world that I have a constant feeling of eyes on my back and the funny part is that it feels awkward when this feeling of being watched seizes. I have more and more a fear of language. Because I have the feeling words have more meaning than I am able to understand and consequences I don’t want to be taken responsible for without knowing them. And the Internet is a massive collection of words and pictures and in the process of surfing we come across things, we would never like to encounter or read in real life. Reading is holy and I want to uphold my autonomy in choosing to read consciously!

So my decision is to end most of my accounts on the internet and try to avoid it as often as I can for the achievement of experience, the beauty of life and feelings which are felt and not read or written.
It is just my personal experiment to see if it will affect my life and improve it joyfully and with more sense.

I have nothing but love for everybody. I hope we will meet each other in person and have a nice and lovely time together. And I hope no one will be disappointed by this decision, because it is really like a measure of curing myself from a colorless world.


P.S. I will send my official email or my address to my family and close friends.


picture taken from here


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