Worst feelings (part 5)
The “being king Midas”
You feel like everything you touch turns gold for someone else. Not for you. As in the myth, the things you start or do will be not edible for yourself but for others. In the end you feel being left out because you cannot reap what you sow.
In this progress somehow you change perspective between being a god and a slave. Indifferent to these perspectives you feel extremely alone because the feeling creates a great gap between yourself and others.
Worst feelings (part 4)
The “wild animal in the zoo” feeling.
- constantly feeling eyes on yourself. The deconstruction of the self esteem drives you to permanently feeling being under observation. Not only you are under pressure of not losing face. But a mixture of the way poeple, who know, look at you and the anxiety that nobody will love you for the person you are will be a seed to permanent unrest and a deep destruction in a healthy schematic of yourself.
The worst feeling (part 3)
The “I just need to do this and then everything will be finally good” feeling.
The constant hope and expectation that this feelings will end after you have done a specific thing or endured a specific situation, crumbles a lot of psychological stability from the inside. You feel more and more suffocating because this end and with it the good part doesn’t come. The more energy you invest to hope in another situation which you have to master to finally reach this rescuing point, the less energy you will have after it. At the end the frightening numbness is the result of this procedure.
The worst feelings (part 2):
Feeling armless but everybody shows you appletrees and ask of you to pick the apples.
- The worst thing about this is, that somehow nobody understands that in this moment you are not just feeling armless, you are armless. The pressure induced by everybody to do the things you are not able to do in this moment produce a vicious circle. In this vicious circle you feel even more unable, because you cannot do the easiest things everybody are asking of you, therefore you feel even more armless.
The worst feelings (part 1):
Feeling being behind glass walls all the time.
- You can watch everybody with their life and you are almost there, but you cannot touch or have it for yourself.